Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Strategy to End World Poverty

Poor Bastards
One is fully behind the reduce poverty campaigns dont cha know! It's outrageous that in the 21st Century there are thousands and thousands of poor people in the world. No millions! Yes millions. It's a disgrace! All these people could be doing something fruitful and productive with their lives.

This is what needs to be done to reduce poverty levels?

  1. Well the first thing is that these layabouts should go out and get a blasted job!
  2. Second thing is that all wages for servants should be cut! At least by two thirds.
  3. Thirdly, all basic foodstuff prices should be put up to unacceptable levels thus encouraging these individuals to pull their socks up.
  4. Finally, anyone remaining after the above recommendations have been implimented should be taken outside and shot. Although they will probably be outside anyway.
If that doesn't bring down the quantity of poor people nothing will.

Monday, 27 February 2012

More Wit

That Totty Mrs Totti
Was at another function last night when I was told by Lady Hilda Dooms-Patterson or Doomers as we call her, that her friend Mrs Margarita Totti  from Italy was dropping by.

Doomers went on to tell me that Mrs Totti was a bit of a sight to behold and that I was to keep my hands off of her and under no circumstances was I to be a Lothario because Mrs Totti was married.

One retorted

 'Make sure you remind Mrs Totti that she is married before she meets me'

By Jove one still has got the old whit don't cha know!

Friday, 24 February 2012

Giving up money for Lent.

If you see this fiver. It's Mine!
Right! It's Lent. that means i have to bally-well forego something for the next forty days and nights to keep the local sodding vicar off my back otherwise the blighter will be wanting money or some such forfeit for yours truly to cough up.

Well I'm not standing for that! I gave him £5 last year for the church roof. When I asked him when would be a good time to get the chaps up on it to remove all the lead flashing the swine told me that that fiver was for restoring the roof and not for me to take it down.

He then refused to return that fiver! What a ghastly character!

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Cheer up for Christ's sake!

Add meaning to life; Shoot some animals
Just found about some place in Switzerland called Dignitas.

Apparently if you've had enough of things you can go there and top yourself! For Free!!

What sort of person does that? They must be sick! I mean I know things can get one down every now and then but really life is for living! Look on the bright side, keep your chin up and all that.

If you think that there is no hope or are wrapped in despair and can't face life any more then do what I do. I go outside and shoot some animals. Never fails don cha know!

Sunday, 19 February 2012

Iran's Nuclear Matter

Just been reading about these Iranian jonnies trying to get a hold of a nuclear bomb. I thought that man in charge was completely doolally! What's the point of letting people like that get hold of a nuclear bomb? I mean the first thing that sort do with nuclear bombs is bomb people.

I say he should be dealt with and pronto. And what is the best way to do that? I'll tell you the best way; round him up, put him in a field and nuke the bastard stinker!! That's the only language that sort understand!

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Crivens! Look at that!

Lawks a-lordy! Just take a look at that bit of stuff EVENING DRESSShe's IT'S fantastic! By Jove She's IT'S spectacular! Crivens I've got to have her ONE for  a function on Friday evening  THE REFENCE CATALOGUE. My God man she's IT'S incredible. Look at the size of them COLOUR, PATTERN AND CUT. VERY NICE INDEED DON'T YOU KNOW.

I bet she's gagging for it REALLY PLEASED WITH IT! I must say that I'm on  top form after seeing this one OF THE OPINION THAT THIS COULD BECOME THE LASTEST FASHION ACCESSORY. 

I wonder where I can find her ONE. If anybody knows where I can get my hands on this bit of totty BUY ONE then for God's sake let me know.


Wednesday, 15 February 2012

My Arse

Two arses 
I had to open the kitchen door with my arse today! That servant strike is on day number five and there are no stinkers dogs-bodies servants left on the estate to clear up after one!!

Had to make ONESELF a blasted coffee today! The indignity of it all! Picked up the coffee, stuck the newspaper under my arm, picked up the biscuit tin

Saturday, 11 February 2012

The Savant Servants are Striking

Blithering Idiots!
The blasted servants have gone on strike! Again! Just what on Earth is that all about?! I pay these stinkers to do work and what do they do? They don't do it!

I mean what is the point of hiring someone to do a job and then they turn to me and say 'I'm not going to do it?' I mean what is the bloody point that was what I hired them for! These people aren't employees they're Communists!

Sunday, 5 February 2012

Cold Snap!

Can't imagine the suffering
One was relaxing on the Estate today and one noticed as distinct drop in temperature. One was very perturbed! I mean this isn't the sort of temperatures one expects at this time of year in these parts.

Irritated one ushered the waiter and gave him what for about the drop in temperature. Naturally the fool didn't speak a word of English and ran away as I stood up in order to start thrashing him for the second time that morning.

Thursday, 2 February 2012

Valentine's Day Saviour.

From the bottom of my pocket
Valentines day soon. Need to express to some of my playmates how much I feel for them. Only problem is that there are so many. What does one do in circumstances such as these?

Well those boffins at Tesco have come up trumps with their line of superb cards for ones that one loves ever so dearly.