Friday, 30 March 2012

Dying for the Weekend

Have a nice weekend
Just heard on the wireless that you are more likely to drop dead in hospital at the weekend than at any other time during the week.

Rubbish! You're more likely to die in a bomb explosion or being attacked by a rottweiler.

These statesticians obviously have far too much time on their hands to cook up half-baked statistics to make themselves look clever. I mean they have to do this to justify their own jobs. They should do what I do to justify my existence; drink champagne, that always works

These people are obviously under alot of stress. I think they need to evaluate their lives and find time for some introspection. To do this I think they should take the weekend off.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Burmese Dumbocracy!!

Now this is what I call democracy.
Just heard on the wireless about elections in Burma. After years of  neglecting the voice of the people, state control of the media, ruthless surpression of all political opposition and government brutality the military junta has finally embraced democratic values.

What on earth has gotten into them then?! They must have flipped their lids! You can't let the riff-raff run a country! That's a recipe for total disaster!

Look what happened in Britain when these dumb bells got in; Taxes went up,  the Empire collapsed, poor people started winning on the Grand National and all the traditional English Curry restaurants were bought up by foreigners!! It's a disgrace!

There's only one way to get even a half decent election result and that is to shoot anyone who votes for the wrong candidate.. That's the sort of democracy I’d vote for.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

Luncheon Voucher

No wine list means it's not a restaurant
Was at a buffet service luncheon earlier today by invitation of one of my servants trying to negotiate an end to the blasted strike. He vouched for the place by saying it was excellent.

The strike has kept those stinkers idle for weeks while I have been left standing there like a complete arse, having to make my own tea, cucumber sandwiches, G&T, wash my own feet and the like.

One has to say that the food came through like lightening. However, one then asked the waitress what wine was available in the cellar. A simple question that went completely over her head of course. 'Wine' I said. 'you know in a bottle? Red? Expensive? Yes?'

She responded, 'This is McDonald's sir.'

Don't know what that was supposed to mean but clearly they didn't have a wine list, whereupon, for some reason, everybody took it upon themselves to laugh. Won't be going there again!

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

The Police and MY Taxes

Just read about some woman who was involved in last summer's riots in London. Apparently the silly bint was ferrying people around all over the place to raid numerous shops, chains and department stores.

It's a disgrace! The reason she was able to do this was because half the police were on holiday courtesy of my taxes! What an absolute shower!

Monday, 19 March 2012

Moral Fabric? Moral Filth More Like!!

Pure Filth! Now that was a racey flick
I'm just writing to complain about the lack of moral fibre in today's youth. It's a disgrace! Why just the other day I heard two of em having sexual intercourse in their hotel room and they weren't even married. Not even to each other! What the hell is the matter with these people No moral compass and all that sort of thing!?

No sir! This sort of thing has got to stop! All my life I've been guided by strong moral principles. Yes Sir! That's me.

Sunday, 18 March 2012

This is the Last Resort!

More like a Latricieres-Chambertin 74
Just heard about all those poor Belgians who'd kicked the bucket in that coach crash in Switzerland. Apparently they had been on a skiing jaunt in Val d'Anniviers in the Swiss Alps.

What a terrible thing! And they were all so young too. It's absolutey ghastly! 

Fancy taking this people to Val d'Anniviers in the Swiss Alps. It's an absolute Arse of a resort! The facilities are terrible and their Mazoyeres-Chambertin 76 tasted more like a Latricieres 74. 

No they would have had a much better time at Val Gardena. The Hotel Berghese is the tops! 

Friday, 16 March 2012

American Firepower

Can't shoot straight
Just been reading about some American soldier chappie who killed sixteen unarmed civilians in Afghanistan! Even then most of them were asleep in bed!!

Sixteen civilians shot dead by a professional soldier! It's a absolutely ghastly! Only sixteen!

One clearly recalls Blacksburg Virginia in 2007 a student with a gun killed thirty-three people whilst they were awake. And they were running around all over the place. How is that for marksmanship? And he wasn't even a soldier.

It just goes to show how important good training is these days. Regrettably, this seems to be lacking in the modern US military.

Monday, 12 March 2012

Drought Declared in Southern England!

My Drought!
By Jove those jonnies at the weather bureau are right for a change! There is a drought! Can't believe it!

This is a terrible state of affairs! What is going on in the World? A drought in March. I just don't know what has come over me. I must be losing it. 

They are completely correct of course. I haven't had a Gin & Tonic for well over an evening! Now that is what one calls a drought! Off to the boozer one thinks.

Friday, 9 March 2012

What a Load of Bulimics!

These Bulimics make one want to puke! 
One is writing to express one's monstrous disgust at the so called syndrom of Bulimia. This is the practice of idiots who stuff themselves stupid at functions, banquets all that sort of thing and then pop off to the Kharzi only to vomit it all up!

I know lent is a time for giving up things but that means not eating it in the first place. Not gorging on it then throwing it all up! That's not very sporting is it! What would Churchill think of that?!

I mean there are starving servants all over the country  who would shoot themselves if they knew what these Bulimics were doing. It's a disgrace! a damn disgrace! 

These Bulimics are not good for anything. The whole lot of them make me want to throw up!!!

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

The New IPad

I say! Just been given one of those IPads from those Johnnies at a business called Apple! They gave me one before it's release tomorrow! Now they are a really nice collection of fellows. Really friendly and open. Just the sort of chaps that that the chaps like.

Anyway, the IPad is an absolute wonder. It's so simple and easy to use that one wonders how one ever did without it. I can't get enough of the thing

Saturday, 3 March 2012

Greeks Taking Gifts!

Waiting for Cement to Dry....
What's this tosh about giving Greeks loads of Money?!

Apparently they over-spent by billions during the last twenty years thinking they would not have to pay it back!

I mean those who lent them the money in the first place must have needed their heads examining. I mean the evidence for them being a bunch of layabouts is there for all the world to see.

Yes it's the Parthenon. They started constructing that blasted restaurant in 447 B.C. and they still haven't finished it! No wonder the whole country has gone down the pan.