Thursday, 31 May 2012


This'll keep the walls clean!
One has noticed a general decline in society over the last few years don't cha know.

One is talking about graffiti! What does any of it say? What the devil does it mean?! As far as one is concerned it is a hideous monstrosity that needs to be dealt with. You can't just go round defacing public walls willy-nilly!

Tuesday, 29 May 2012


Look at this picture. Just look at it! It took me five Gin & Tonics to get my head round this thing so I can't begin to imagine how many he'd had just to draw it!

I'd bet my last shilling that the swine who drew this was a socialist! This is exactly the sort of rubbish a socialist would come up with.

Friday, 25 May 2012

Shark in Shit!

Artist in Continent.
Went to an art gallery the other day. This is what i saw. Just what in God’s name is this supposed to be?

Shark in formaldehyde? Shark in formaldehyde? I can see its a shark in formaldehyde because it's got 'Shark in Bloody Formaldehyde' written on the side of the damn thing!

What's the point of putting a shark in formaldehyde if you are just going to call it ’Shark in Formalde-Sodding-Hyde.

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Olympic Games Anti-Terrorism plan!

Osama Been-Laughing?
Would the death penalty would stop a suicide bomber? Of course it wouldn't! It's just silly!

One is sick and tired of all the pithy anti-terrorism measures being enacted by successive blasted governments. All they do is talk and enact laws.

What is needed is action! and Now!

So one has devised a cunning tip top way to put and end to global terrorism and terrorists from carrying out their destructive activities especially at the forthcoming Olympic Games.

It's simple;
  •  stage 1 - evacuate London
  •  stage 2 - load a bomber up with an atomic bomb
  •  stage 3 - fly aforementioned bomber over central London
  •  stage 4 - release bomb
  •  stage 5 - get the blazes out of there pronto!

With the complete destruction of central London these terrorists wont have a single thing to blow up. That'll show these stinkers who's in charge!

Sunday, 20 May 2012

Doctor Who?

Just see Doctor Who on BBC1. It's nothing but a bunch of silly billies cavorting around attracting attention to themselves. It's completely unbelievable! When was the last time you saw a Doctor with neat handwriting so God only knows how he is supposed to control a space ship.

And here's another thing, when was the last time you saw a space ship in the shape of public latrine? I mean it has to be public latrine otherwise why would they have called it the Turdis? The creators of this programme must have all been on drugs.

Gone are the days of quality televisual broadcasting when Sir David Attenborough would inform all of us in an intelligent rational way about how animals copulated and defecated in fields, instead we are fed this pap that only shows us how easy it is to throw up.

This is how great television used to be.

Friday, 18 May 2012

Is Madonna Bored?

Nothing to do all day.
Just heard about a singer called Madonna who has recently released yet another long play record.

As far as I recall she has been doing this sort of thing for the last thirty bleeding years.

Apart from that and prancing around stages all day she doesn't seem capable of doing anything else? What a loser!

I mean she doesn't even have a vineyard.

This woman needs to get a life!!!

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Apple iOS 5.1 Update Review

Recently got the latest Apple iOS update.

This was good news as the drinks cabinet has been running a trifle low on the old Bombay Sapphire fire-water if you know what I mean. Anyway, One was very excited to finally get the update.

Seeing as it is supposed to be the best one so far One immediately set about trying to download a Gin & Tonic from the Claridges web site.

Monday, 14 May 2012

Dalai Lama and Happiness

Got Any Change?

Just been listening to some Bhuddist chappie on the wireless called the Dalai Pyjama.

Apparently, the soul is immortal! which means that I will bump into the first wife again at a some point.

But anyway the main point of his discourse was related to universal truth, enlightenment, peace and tolerance.

One found this all very interesting but One couldn't help but think this fellow had missed the fundamental point about life. 

Saturday, 12 May 2012

The Perfect Greek Coalition

In need of a Doctor Greece?

Been reading about those Greekies trying to put together a coalition! Well how are they going to do that? 

I mean they can't manage an economy so how are they supposed to manage a coalition. It's all a complete shower!

The last time any coalition from Greece did any good to anyone was the so called 'Greek Doctor' This coalition of four parties works very well indeed. This is how the Greek Doctor Coalition works;
  • Two bottles of Ouzo
  • Two bottles of Vodka
  • Two bottles of Orange juice
  • and one bottle of Lemon juice
Mix it all together and then bottoms up! It is worth noting here that One must only use ice with this concoction if there is enough room left in the glass.

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Still got the old banter

Last wife and Least!
One recalls the words of the last wife as she stormed out of the house,

'You'll never find another woman like me!!' 

Whereupon she turned to walk out the door

To which One responded

'One bloody hopes not'

It's just great being me!

Sunday, 6 May 2012

One is not a Racist!

Recently been accused of being a racist!

Balderdash! One believes in 'live and let live,' fairness all round, equal rights, minimum wage and all that crap. 

One is not a racist, not me Sir by Jimeny oh no! One doesn't discriminate against anyone. One discriminates against everyone!

Especially people who discriminate against other people! These people should be banned from bars, buses, drinking Gin & Tonics and fine wines. 

They should be hunted down and strung up! 

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Anna Nicole: What is True Love?

Married for Money!!!! Not me!
One has just been accused of marrying my current wife for her money! Poppycock! What a terrible accusation to make. This is an outrage! How dare these people impugn my standing in polite circles.

I think people who marry their spouses for money should be ashamed of themselves! Where is the dignity in that?

No Sir by Jimeny! I married my wife for her father's money. He's an absolute bounder!! Doesn't deserve a fraction of it and the blighter doesn't know what to do with it either. Spends it on bottles of Domaine de la Romanée-Conti Montrachet 1986 of all things!

To this end one is currently helping him to spend it having organised a trip to the Alton Towers Rollercoaster rides for this 92 year-old bleeder gentleman followed by a parachute jump, if you know what I mean....