Thursday, 31 January 2013

Broken Wind

Just writing to give some advice to all the youngsters out there revolving around the topic of breaking wind.

Broken wind is not in itself a problem it is merely a normal bodily function when one has consumed solid material containing amounts of hydrocarbons. This is then released through the digestive process. Beans are usually good for this sort if thing but also my valet, Courtney, swore by brussel sprouts especially for his room-clearing ’workington special’ bless him.

Anyway when entertaining a lady it is most important not to guff just as one is about to sit down. This is a particularly vulnerable stage to be in, with a lady, because as the emission of methane is released from one’s backside the cloud has a propensity to hover in the vicinity of one’s arse.

Sunday, 27 January 2013

Not Pregnant with Brother, Just Obese

Life is a funny old thing don cha know! Occasionally The Lord sends one a challenge that requires intellect, astuteness and a shear expanse of mental capacity to get oneself out of a sticky situation.

Unfortunately for one, one has none of these traits so one usually has to rely on the reserves of wit, bolshiness and lying to get out of one's sticky situations. And this was what happened the other day whilst walking in a public park. One doesn't normally walk in public parks but one needed to reaffirm just how rich one was by comparing its size to the vast acorage of one's own estates dotted around the place.

Anyway, one's mood was of a hearty disposition, one even got a passer-by to donate some money to a beggar. One saw a young couple, obviously intoxicated by love and the excitement of the impending birth of their baby, strolling towards my good self. I thought I would share my heartiness and pay them both my compliments.

SPWA:         Congratulations!
Female Prole: What do you mean?
SPWA:         Your child?
Male Prole:   What are you talking about?
SPWA:        (pointing to stomach) That. When is it due?
Female Prole: When is what due?
SPWA:         This thing, you two have obviously been at it.

This was when one realised that the female prole was not in fact expecting offspring at all. This was where one's wit took charge to try to lighten the tense situation.

SPWA:        Oh I see you are obese!
Male Prole:  What?!
SPWA:        One thought this chappie here had got you pregnant
Male Prole:  This is my sister.
SPWA:        I always say 'never judge a person by their obesity  Male Prole:  You got a problem mate? 
SPWA:        Underneath all that blubber there is a human being.
Male Prole:  I don't like you mate!

One then proceeded to walk away sharpish before the two proles became violent.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

The Philadelphia Experiment: Conspiracy Theory

Proof: Real Photo of Invisible Destroyer
Just been reading about something called ’The Philadelphia Experiment' Sometimes known as [Project Rainbow' this is a conspiracy theory that simply can not go away.

Apparently, at the time of the end of the Second World War some American jonnies invented a story based around an actual Navy destroyer called the USS Eldridge.

Sunday, 20 January 2013

Hitchcock: Film Review

Hitchcock Plays Hopkins Perfectly
Just Seen an advanced screening of the film ’Hitchcock’ in which Alfred Hitchcock portrays the famous actor Anthony Hopkins.

The film focuses on Hopkins’ role he played, so superbly, as Hannibal Lector in the film ’The Psycho of the Lambs’

Hitchcock plays Anthony Hopkins almost perfectly and there were times when I was convinced that I was actually looking at Anthony Hopkins doing a ridiculous impersonation of Alfred Hitchcock but no!

Anthony Perkins portrays Helen Mirren perfectly in the supporting role of Anthony Hopkins’ wife, Trixabel.

Monday, 14 January 2013

Transvestite's Tights

What in Bonaparte’s balls is mankind coming to? Was in a trendy left wing bar last night in a popular part of The Metropol with nephew ’Fruity’ Ware-Armitage. He was showing off his bit of leggy totty called Trixi.

Anyway one had a call from nature, so one trotted off to the little boys room to do some quantitative easing.

Whilst sitting on the kharzi one could hear people chatting on the other side of the door. However, all one could discern were the voices of women? What were women doing in the little boys room one wondered?

After exiting (and one doesn’t mean finished shitting one means leaving the cubicle in which the latrine was housed) one was shocked to see three women standing around gossiping right by the hand basins.

One politely explained that they were in the wrong place to which the big bosomed one said ’i don’t think so big boy.’ I pointing to the urinals and said ’you are hardly likely to need one of those my dear.’ The three women then walked, simultaneously over to the urinals a got their wedding tackle out! They weren't women at all they were chaps! Worse than that one had actually fancied the big bosomed one! Thought I was going to vomit!

It’s a disgrace! What the hell is the matter with people? You can't have ladies walking around with wedding tackle hanging about all willy-nilly all over the place! I don’t want those people passing water where I pass mine and I certainly don’t want to shit where they've shat!

One supposes that the ladies won't want that sort in their latrines either. So where can these people deposit their waste matter? Well one suggests some kind of lavatorial deliniation! New signs will be needed in addition to; ’LADIES’ and ’GENTS,’ something like ’UNDECIDED.’

I say these people should have had their own latrines in which they could have shat their shit into.

Sunday, 13 January 2013

New Year Resolution

Having just recovered from the New Year festivities at Lady Fiddlescomb-Partridges Estate. One realises that one should attempt to make some kind of effort with a new year resolution. One is not prone to this sort of wishy-washy pseudo-socialist clap-trap but one does have things that need to be addressed sooner or later so why not give it a whirl.

Those Resolutions in Full;

1) The Strike, it has been about a year now and things are getting done around the estate and it's starting to look a complete shower. So my resolution is to break those perishers one way or another, never give in to bastard striking servants!

2) Money, need to make a few savings here and there so there will be more visits to the pub to use the toilets,

3) Work, need to give oneself a payrise from Ware-Armitage Motors. This is easily done by sacking a few of the numpties

4) Start writing my memoirs. This is going to be a winner entitled 'All the Filth in the World at MY Door'

5) Health, hmm yes as one gets older one needs to be aware of ones increasing frailties. Therefore I will be hiring a personal coach to run around the estate at least twice a week.

6) Relationships, this is important, one desires to be finally rid of the ex-wives, let's hope nothing too trivial happens to them this year hey ha ha.

7) Finally must have shot at least 250-260 animals last year and one feels some guilt about this, espcially what with the current attitudes towards animal welfare one should at least make an effort on this issue. So this year let's aim for at least 450. That should get the bunny-huggers in a huff

Monday, 7 January 2013

Eastmas? Christer? What's going on?

Egads man one was in the blasted supermarket this morning, laughing at 'Le Grande Levee' and also reminiscing about when the servants used to do this sort of thing, when I saw that they had blasted hot crossed buns and cream eggs for sale!

What is that all about? Those things are for Easter are they not? Easter is bloody miles away! Can't they give it while before selling this kind of thing? I mean one hasn't even finished eating one's mince pies yet.

This is typical of The Church trying to cash in on the post Christmas fervour and promoting their religious fanaticism for when Easter comes along, where we celebrate St Cadbury and his followers St Schweppes and St Gin and a few others and we all drink Tonic Water or something like that.

Well one isn't buying into it! I haven't even recovered from my blasted New Year's hangover yet! These people make me sick! These's only one thing to do with that sort, nail them all to posts! That's the only sort of language they understand.

Saturday, 5 January 2013

Cure for a Hangover

Hangover Victim
Just awoken from my New Year Eve celebration. My God that was a blaster of a function. Lady Dooms-Patterson certainly knows how to throw a soiree at short notice don cha know. 

But that was six days ago now one has to deal with this stinker of a hangover. Now there are many remedies for a hangover including, orange juice or a cola beverage. Some suggest hair of the dog, but I've never understood that stupid expression even if it does relate to continuing to drink once one has awoken.