Saturday, 25 May 2013

Gay Marriage?

Just been reading about the campaign to extend the great institution of marriage!

Just what the hell is going on? This is lunacy! One is scarcely able to contain one's abhorrence! This is the end of the bloody world. Earthquakes, volcanoes, rabies and no more Neapolitan ice cream. What on earth are these people taking for God's sake? Doesn't anybody realise just how dangerous this is? It's a disgrace!

Can you imagine just what it will be like? It'll be an absolute shower! I mean picture the scene; two gay chappies living in the same house together, which one of them is going to make the dinner and do the washing up? Hey? Answer me that! And how are they going to differentiate between each others underpants? Hmm? Not to mention which one of them has to clean the lavatory after the other has shat in it!

And being a man I know perfectly well just what we are like. We are untidy and chaotic. So can you imagine what the living room will look like after a week? Magazines everywhere, uneaten food lying around, toenail clippings on the carpet and all this times two?! And which one of them is going to tidy it all up after the other eh? 

And that is not even the start, Which one of them is going to wear the wedding dress? And just who is supposed to carry who across the threshold when they get home after the wedding?

One supposes it will be the one not wearing the wedding dress. That would mean it has to be the heavier of the two who dresses up as the man. At least there is something different about the two that gives them something to say at the alter. Instead of 'I now pronounce you man and wife,' Now it will be 'I now pronounce you Man and Fatso.' Now we seem to be making some progress on this issue.

Monday, 13 May 2013

Ray Harryhausen: An Obituary

Found Up Arse
Just been reading about Ray Harryhausen the legendary visual effects animator who sadly died earlier this week of constipation.

During his long life Harryhausen pioneered research into medication for constipation in the film industry. This was known colloquialy as Stop Motion Visuals although why anyone would want to visualise this sort of thing is completely beyond me. Additionally Stop Motion also gave him a chance to make forays into colonic irrigation, appendicitus, dysentry, gihardia, incontinence and blowing off.

Sunday, 12 May 2013

Horse Manure!

Can't Give a Shit
Just how is it possible to get horse manure wrong?!! I mean just what the blazes is going on in this country?

With the summer here one needs to move tons of manure onto the garden for good produce come harvest time. I find this back-breaking work for servants to do but I soldier on.

However, because of the wretched servants strike about to enter it's eighteenth month one has had to go to outsiders for one's manure.

So I went to the Gypsies next door and asked them to come round and leave as much of their shit as possible next to the kitchen garden. And this they did without let or hindrance, I paid them by the ton. All very nice, how could that possibly go wrong?

Well later that afternoon some fool from the local borough council visited and insisted on taking a sample of the manure just for examination he said. Poppycock, this clown was out to cause trouble.

Within a day half the blasted council were round my estate accompanied but the Old Bill! They placed me under arrest and before I knew it I was in a cell at the police station! The indignity of it all!! 

And it was all the fault of those pagan swine Gypsies. I gave them specific instruction NOT to use the manure from my racehorse stables and instead steal it from another farm. This was because all my manure contains traces of performance enhancing drugs, painkillers, Banned muscle toners, andrenaline activators and all that sort of thing etc.

Well that's the last time I use those damn Gypsies! You just can't trust anybody these days! Even the bloody horse manure is shit these days!

Thursday, 9 May 2013

Aung San Suu Kyi: An Obituary

She Was A Girl From Burma-ingham
Just been reading about Aung San Suu Kyi.

She was the world famous and respected politician who campaigned against the military dictatorship in her home of Burmingham, a large industrialised urban conurbation, situated in the West Midlands/Alabama.

Suu Kyi was born at a very young age and was immediately named after her mother's side salad as she was born in a Nepalese restaurant.

She stood for election in 1990 against the military government of Burmingham Alabama/West Midlands and beat them into second place. The bounders then invalidated the election simply because they couldn't pronounce her name.

Suu Kyi was very upset by this and went home for the next 21 years to sulk and also to refuse to come out and say hello, even to the milkman. As part of this sulking, Aung San Suulk Kyi recieved a large international following with dozens of countries giving her totally meaningless accolades and awards. For Example, she received the Sakharov Prize for Freedom of Thought in 1990. Well that's hardly a big deal is it. Even a trifle can think now can't it!

Then in 1991 Ang San Sulk Kyi received the Nobel Peace Prize. Again, sitting at home watching the blasted telly and blowing off
all day is hardly going to start a World War now is it? Even I could get a peace prize for that.

Also, in 2007, the Government of Canada made Angst San Sulk Kyi an honorary citizen of that country. See what I mean? What's the point of making someone a citizen of a country when they won't even leave their own house prefering to blow off and watch the blasted telly all day?

Then in 1979 the Sex Pistols wrote a song about her in which they said:

Lydon Sings to Aung

She was a girl from Burma-ingham
She's just had an abortion
She was case of Insanity
Her name was Sulky 
and she lived in a tree

Or something like that. But anyway, she was a great politician who fortunately liked staying at home. I just wish more of that lot would follow her example.


Monday, 6 May 2013

Hans Lipschis: Arrest

Hans full of Shitz
Just been reading about some jonny called Hans Lipschis. 

This fellow was one of those tricky-dicky National Socialist jonnies who didn't have anything better to do with their time than to go around causing trouble on mainland Europe during the 1940s.