How to Reduce Unemployment.

Posterior

Right so unemployment is high again and all the politicos are desperately hunting for ways to bring the figures down. Well why don't they get their act together and ask me what I would do?

Yes that's right 'ask me what I would do.' Many a young turk thinks that I am some sort of clot who barely knows how lavatory paper is applied correctly. Well while that may be the case I am also in the fortunate position of having enough money to pay somebody to apply it to my rather magnificent posterior on my behalf. Now who's laughing?

Anyway that's enough of that. Of course at this time of great economic strife for other people one does have one's own important matters to deal with such as the blasted servant strike and the unending issue of the blasted ex-wives and all that sort of thing. Nevertheless, whilst sitting in the bath this morning I turned my mind to high unemployment and by Jimeny, I came up with a answer. Yes that's right ME! I came up with an answer ME!! Because I'm very clever.

'So what is this miraculous answer?' I hear you say. It's easy, bring back slavery! Yes that's rights slavery. Obviously, being the 21st Century we have to make a few adjustments in order to get away with it but that shouldn't be a problem. For example, we can't expect to get away with paying nothing otherwise the rozzers will be on our backs so it's important to try to make it look as if we care. So I recommend giving the slave as much of a pittance as possible to keep em quite to make them think they are valued. We will call this pittance something like... err... 'A Minimum Wage' That should keep them guessing.

Fascicle

Then there is the question of expendability. In the old days if you had no work for the slave then they could sit by idly and do nothing until some work came along. However, what with having to pay this 'minimum wage' there may be no work but you'd still have to pay them. What is needed is a work contract to make the slave self-employed, then if there is no work it's their problem. I recommend we call this 'contract' something snazzy like a 'Zero Hour Contract' or something fascicle like that. 

Finally and this goes in tandem with my 'Minimum Wage' and the 'Zero Hour Contract' ideas, it is important to just convince everybody that these things will work. To do this it is necessary to beat up and clever journalist who asks too many questions as to the voracity of any of these projects. 

So there you have it. Sensible policies for a more prosperous Britain. I do wish people would ask me about these things.