Sunday 17 May 2015

How to Cancel a Romantic Date

Stabbings
Going on a date is always very exiting, you just never know how much money will turn out to be in the other person's bank account. If you're really lucky you may actually like them too. However, occasionally it may be necessary to cancel the date at the last minute and that is never a good thing leading to resentment, bitterness, reprisals, vendettas and all too frequently, stabbings. 


One is personally stood up all the time and quite accustomed to it but this wasn't always the case. The first seventy-five times this happened one found oneself all alone without the woman telling me she'd changed her mind, leaving me to stand in the fairground by myself surrounded by trash going about its' business stealing wallets, urinating in their trousers and all that sort of thing. 

But I digress, being stood up is not a very pleasant feeling and indeed it is not a very nice thing to do but sometimes there is just no option and you have to cancel. However provided you know what you are doing it is entirely feasible to undertake a face saving procedure for the woman if you know precisely what you are doing. So I have devised this tip-top sure-fire extraction procedure to negate the effects of having cancelled. It is quick, clean with a no mess attitude that not only saves face but by the end of it she will have forgotten all about it.

The procedure;-


1) Fear

2) Panic

4) Extrication

5) Cup of Tea

Right so you're on your way to rendezvous with your date but all of a sudden cricket, live from the Oval, comes on over the radio and you have to cancel. This is when you spring in to action.

FEAR
Henley-On-Thames
Yes fear, you need to first instil fear or even better terror into the heart and mind of the woman awaiting you. Why do this? Well primarily it is to not only make her forget about the date but also to make her grateful it didn't actually happen in the first place. I use an explosive device planted in an appropriate place a day or two beforehand the date just as a precaution but it may well be that you won't actually need it. Good planning is essential. 

Ensure the explosive device is placed at a safe distance from the date as it is vitally important for her not to be injured in any way. I usually place the device underneath a car or van for quick installation and removal but buildings and even newspapers sellers are just as effective. 

PANIC
Yes panic, a bomb going orff on it's own is enough to instil fear in many but not necessarily panic. You see fear can often leave people standing completely motionless, panic however can cause people to run and that is exactly what you want here. So assuming your date hasn't fled in panic you need to take steps to instigate this. For this you will need several hysterical loons brandishing AK 47s or some other such similar piece of equipment. After detonation release the loons from a strategically placed van onto the street and tell em they are in a Hollywood action film, loons love action films don cha know, and that they should shoot as and when they like, willy-nilly all over the place. If you can persuade them to shout something like 'Allah Akhbar' or 'Up the Revolution' that would be super.

With fear and panic instilled in to your date she should start to run for her life, now to the next part.

EXTRICATION
Getaway Car
Right, so your date is fleeing in terror, now you spring in to action and extricate her from the situation. For this I use the Brazzi Brothers from Palermo in Sicily, a lovely part of the world where it is possible to get a whole range of personalised services for just such occasions and many more if you know what I mean... So your date is fleeing from the loons and with a bit of planning it will be into the arms of the Brazzi Brothers. Extrication can be a messy process at times so it is important to take full control immediately. As your date approaches one of two to three getaway cars she must be grabbed and bundled in to the car. Note not in the boot! just on to the back seat between two of the Brazzi Brothers to stop her escaping from the car. As soon as everybody is in motorman puts his foot down and splits the scene pronto. Extrication complete. 

CUP OF TEA
Yes a cup of tea! Drive immediately to the nearest countryside tea rooms. The reason for this is to calm your date down after such intense activity. The quicker this is done the better for her overall well being as it is rather a lot for one person to take in for one day and on a psychological level it's important for your date to be happy for when you reschedule the next meeting. 

My favoured tea room is The Chocolate Theatre in Henley-on-Thames, a marvellous place, it has a lovely view overlooking the river Thames and also makes very nice seafood vol-au-vonts. If at any point the dates starts calming down in the car then ensure the driver swerves erratically, shouting things like "Fahckin 'ell guv!" and 'Wo chew lookin at sanshine?" or 'Shit the filth are following us! Step on it Charlie.' and all that sort of thing. Upon arrival at your selected tea room bundle the date out of the car and on to a pre-booked table, the best in the house, with a selection of nice teas to chose from as well as a well stocked cake trolley that she can indulge herself to her heart's delight at no cost.

I find the combination of free cake, tea and a countryside environment does wonders for people and will not only be grateful for the bomb explosions, loons with AK 47s, kidnapping attempt but will also feel guilty about having stood you up! All too frequently I have recieved an apology from the date for running away from the scene of chaos! 

Everyone gets to feel good, she gets cake, the Brazzi Brothers get paid and I get to watch the cricket live from the Oval, marvellous.

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