|Not Mrs Cumberbatch's Husband|
Anyway, this sort of thing happens on occasion and has the potential to ruin a perfectly lovely day if not dealt with quickly. Mercifully, I had come prepared and the day was saved. So I will now detail the proper proceedure for such occurrences for the benefit of my followers so you too do not have to endure the indignity and humiliation of having to get bored senseless by such characters walking in to your
So your celebrity enters the pub. What's the first thing to do? That's right, backs to the wall! This may not actually be necessary but I have found that due to the vast amounts of cocaine they have on their breakfast cereal in the mornings, celebrities are confused individuals. For this reason many of them are unable to discern the difference between your common or garden pub and a farmyard pig sty. Standing against a wall nullifies their more carnal thought processes as they are in a position of trying to comprehend why you are not on all fours in front of them with either your skirt up or your trousers down.
Once this happened I knew I had to act fast and so immediately put on my gas mask. To the casual observer this may seem a trifle extreme but I assure you that it is very good housekeeping. You see celebrities aren't like normal people. They regard society's conventions and norms as things for... well... for other people. On it's own this is not a problem yet your celebrity is compelled to display their wanton disregard for society akin to a peacock displaying its feathers. However, they are in the strange position of not knowing how to display this disregard and so have to improvise as best they can.
The thing to do then is to break your own wind. As much as you possibly can. Get yourself primed before you go out. I use Brian Long's Thundergust Brussel Sprout Specials, grown in his very own allotment. My valet, Courtney (God rest his soul) was known for his 'Workington Special' in which he could clear out an entire pub in one go but he had stomach ulcers. Nevertheless Brian Long is on facebook don cha know so contact him there. You'll only need one before going out and that will give you enough thrust to last six hours. Marvellous.
After what was a titanic battle of wind between myself and Mrs Comboverpatch's husband I could see he was starting to wear down. This was when he threw his last roll of the dice at me. Yes that's right he tried to hypnotise me! Oh yes by Jimeny he did! Celebrities often do this as a last resort. Not because then know how to hypnotise people but more like they think they know how to hypnotise people. Regrettably sometimes it works and I've seen many good man fall to his knees because of a celebrity hypnotist. Very sad.
Nevertheless I avoided eye-contact and despite him trying to stare at me I was too fast for him. You must then go on the attack. I find the best thing to do here is to start talking about canal boating holidays or cheeses from the Cotswolds. You celebrity simply can not handle the fact that you could possibly be talking about something other than them in their own presence. It is the ultimate humiliation for them and before you know it they will have about turned and stormed out of you pub. This will be accompanied by some shouting and swearing along the lines of 'this is the most boring pub I have been in anywhere in the whole wide world etc' but this is them being unable to handle the rejection. Ultimately, this is just bravado and typical of the sort of hissy-fits that these people are capable of.
In conclusion then, always carry your gas-mask and camouflage paint. Never look em in the eye and always eat your greens. Take these precautions before going out to your favourite