Showing posts with label Media. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Media. Show all posts

Thursday 31 May 2012

Graffiti

This'll keep the walls clean!
One has noticed a general decline in society over the last few years don't cha know.

One is talking about graffiti! What does any of it say? What the devil does it mean?! As far as one is concerned it is a hideous monstrosity that needs to be dealt with. You can't just go round defacing public walls willy-nilly!

Tuesday 29 May 2012

Escher!

Look at this picture. Just look at it! It took me five Gin & Tonics to get my head round this thing so I can't begin to imagine how many he'd had just to draw it!

I'd bet my last shilling that the swine who drew this was a socialist! This is exactly the sort of rubbish a socialist would come up with.

Friday 25 May 2012

Shark in Shit!

Artist in Continent.
Went to an art gallery the other day. This is what i saw. Just what in God’s name is this supposed to be?

Shark in formaldehyde? Shark in formaldehyde? I can see its a shark in formaldehyde because it's got 'Shark in Bloody Formaldehyde' written on the side of the damn thing!

What's the point of putting a shark in formaldehyde if you are just going to call it ’Shark in Formalde-Sodding-Hyde.

Sunday 20 May 2012

Doctor Who?

Just see Doctor Who on BBC1. It's nothing but a bunch of silly billies cavorting around attracting attention to themselves. It's completely unbelievable! When was the last time you saw a Doctor with neat handwriting so God only knows how he is supposed to control a space ship.

And here's another thing, when was the last time you saw a space ship in the shape of public latrine? I mean it has to be public latrine otherwise why would they have called it the Turdis? The creators of this programme must have all been on drugs.

Gone are the days of quality televisual broadcasting when Sir David Attenborough would inform all of us in an intelligent rational way about how animals copulated and defecated in fields, instead we are fed this pap that only shows us how easy it is to throw up.


This is how great television used to be.

Friday 18 May 2012

Is Madonna Bored?

Nothing to do all day.
Just heard about a singer called Madonna who has recently released yet another long play record.

As far as I recall she has been doing this sort of thing for the last thirty bleeding years.

Apart from that and prancing around stages all day she doesn't seem capable of doing anything else? What a loser!

I mean she doesn't even have a vineyard.

This woman needs to get a life!!!

Monday 30 April 2012

Misleading Photographs

Where's the Manure?
One is sick and tired of seeing photographs in the newspapers that have little or no relation to the subject matter of the story. It's a disgrace.

Frequently, the photo will be of some scantily clad maidens in provocative postures indicative of pre-sexual activity.

Yet the story will be about a muckspreader that went out of control in Chipping Norton covering everybody in manure.

Saturday 21 April 2012

Pippa Middleton's Arse?!

Up Yours!!!
Is this all there is left to talk about on this blasted planet? Pippa Middleton's backside! What in God's name is all the fuss about?

It's supposed to be incredible but let me tell you this. As far as one is concerned ones' backside is used for two things, sitting on and shitting out of! Just those two things!

Granted they can be used for kicking but that is a consequence of something. One doesn't offer one's backside to be kicked. One sits or shits!

So just remember those two things when someone next shows you a photo of her backside. She shits out of it and anyone who tries to make you believe otherwise is talking out of their arse!

Monday 9 April 2012

One Must Protest!


Trenton Oldfield - Get Him Out!!
One is writing to express one's abhorrence regarding the disruption to the Oxford v Cambridge Boat race on Saturday! It was a disgrace!

Egads just what the blazes was going through that man's mind! He clearly has no idea how to protest properly. Where was the dignity and respect for other people's enjoyment on this day?


Erika Roe - Get Them Out!!

What he should have done was to get his ex-wife to take her top off. That would have been alot more fun and a damn sight better than watching a load of tedious, wet, undergraduates shuffling sticks in a boat!


Saturday 7 April 2012

Hose-Pipe Ban in Southern England!

Whip-Crackingly Good Thrashings!
This is a disaster! One has got hose-pipes all over the place and now one is not permitted to use them!

And it's not because of the drought either! It's because of those loons at the water companies! Total incompetence.

It's all very well them banning the use of hoses but tell me this; what am I now supposed to use to thrash the living daylights out of the gardening staff? Hey? I bet then haven't got an answer for that!

With a hose, if you get the swing right it acts like a whip! And with enough practice one can master the crack of the whip to sound just as the servants shout in pain!

Monday 2 April 2012

End of the World?!


Worse Things Have Happened
Apparently the world is going to end this year. Well let me tell you something it’s definitely not going to end this year.

How do I know? Because it ended in 1979 when the last bottle of Domaine Armand Rousseau Pere et Fils Chambertin 1936 was polished off by some ghastly bankers too stupid to know the difference between it and a wretched Claude Dugat Griottes-Chambertin 1879.

Once I'd heard that that last bottle had been drunk I was forced to instantaneously assult all the staff in order to forget!

And since that time I've never been near a blasted bank either. Animals!!

Monday 19 March 2012

Moral Fabric? Moral Filth More Like!!

Pure Filth! Now that was a racey flick
I'm just writing to complain about the lack of moral fibre in today's youth. It's a disgrace! Why just the other day I heard two of em having sexual intercourse in their hotel room and they weren't even married. Not even to each other! What the hell is the matter with these people No moral compass and all that sort of thing!?

No sir! This sort of thing has got to stop! All my life I've been guided by strong moral principles. Yes Sir! That's me.

Monday 12 March 2012

Drought Declared in Southern England!

My Drought!
By Jove those jonnies at the weather bureau are right for a change! There is a drought! Can't believe it!

This is a terrible state of affairs! What is going on in the World? A drought in March. I just don't know what has come over me. I must be losing it. 

They are completely correct of course. I haven't had a Gin & Tonic for well over an evening! Now that is what one calls a drought! Off to the boozer one thinks.

Tuesday 6 March 2012

The New IPad

IDamage
I say! Just been given one of those IPads from those Johnnies at a business called Apple! They gave me one before it's release tomorrow! Now they are a really nice collection of fellows. Really friendly and open. Just the sort of chaps that that the chaps like.

Anyway, the IPad is an absolute wonder. It's so simple and easy to use that one wonders how one ever did without it. I can't get enough of the thing

Saturday 18 February 2012

Crivens! Look at that!

THIS SATURDAY EVENING DRESS
Lawks a-lordy! Just take a look at that bit of stuff EVENING DRESSShe's IT'S fantastic! By Jove She's IT'S spectacular! Crivens I've got to have her ONE for  a function on Friday evening  THE REFENCE CATALOGUE. My God man she's IT'S incredible. Look at the size of them COLOUR, PATTERN AND CUT. VERY NICE INDEED DON'T YOU KNOW.

I bet she's gagging for it REALLY PLEASED WITH IT! I must say that I'm on  top form after seeing this one OF THE OPINION THAT THIS COULD BECOME THE LASTEST FASHION ACCESSORY. 

I wonder where I can find her ONE. If anybody knows where I can get my hands on this bit of totty BUY ONE then for God's sake let me know.


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Sunday 5 February 2012

Cold Snap!

Can't imagine the suffering
One was relaxing on the Estate today and one noticed as distinct drop in temperature. One was very perturbed! I mean this isn't the sort of temperatures one expects at this time of year in these parts.

Irritated one ushered the waiter and gave him what for about the drop in temperature. Naturally the fool didn't speak a word of English and ran away as I stood up in order to start thrashing him for the second time that morning.