The Scandal of Homelessness and Empty Houses.

Empty Slum Property

Just been reading some statistics in the newspapers about the shame of social housing in this country. 

The statistics are shocking and I had to get my butler to explain them to me. However, in essence there are over nearly 1,000,000 empty homes in this country but at the same time approximately 1,770,116 households awaiting a place to live! It's a disgrace!

Danish Giraffe Murder & EU Hypocrisy

EU Giraffe

I'm writing to express my monstrous disgust at the way in which a giraffe called Marius was treated at Copenhagen Zoological park in Denmark recently.

Apparently the animal had to be murdered in cold blood as it was contravening EU regulations on interbreeding. 

Admiral Nelson Mandela: An Obituary

 Admiral Nelson Mandela

One is sad to announce the death of one of the greatest leaders of the modern age.
 
Earlier today the global statesman Admiral Half-Nelson Mandela died peacefully at his home near the coast, as he did like to be beside the seaside, beside the sea.

After defeating P.W. Bonaparte at the battle of Trafalgar Square in 1815 over the hated Poll Tax by getting him in a one-armed head lock, (the Half-Nelson), Nelson went and hid in a place called Robben Island to get some rest and relaxation for the next 185 years until 1990 or something like that.

Assisted Suicide, Stephen Hawking & One's Own Experience

Just been reading an article on the BBC website about a science boffin called Stephen Hawking who thinks that helping people to kill themselves is morally acceptable. This is more commonly known as 'Assisted Suicide' 

Hawking was partially spurned to write this as his own condition is not all that tickety-boo from having sat idly in a chair all his life. One is not too happy-go-lucky about this subject feeling that life is for living and that any chance a person has of keeping hold of it should be embraced and all that sort of thing.

European Union: Membership Conditions

Order to the Galaxy Europe

One doesn't often delve into the world of politics as there is simply more money to be made selling weapons.  Nevertheless one likes to think that one is open-minded enough to not entirely discount political issues as piles of tish.

The European Union, for instance. Should we be in or out? Well in the current state of this bastion for all things homogenised and rendered virtually irrelevant as a result of decisions made by committees, one is inclinded to say out.

Proud to be British

Pride in Britain

Oh the blasted Press are at it again. Not content with having absolutely bugger all to write about since getting a lashing from Lord Leveson's Public Enquiry they are doing their usual fall back position and bringing up the war again under the mistaken belief that we won it!

Well let me tell you something, we didn't win that war! We damn well got thrashed! Everybody thinks we won it but, by Jove's jockstrap we had our sorry arses hauled from one end the world to the other.
The cover story that we beat Herr Hitler and his National Socialist nincompoops was all very well and everyone swallowed it up wholeheartedly.

Conflict in Syria: No Chemicals Used

Anniston: using Ware-Armitage cleaning products

Having sold weapons to both sides in the current conflict in Syria from day one of this civil war I  can safely say that no chemical weapons have been

NSA, Prism, Edward Snowden and Jennifer Aniston

Aniston

Just been reading about the complete farce of the PRISM scandal over in the United States of America. Apparently the boffins in charge over there are so paranoid about security issues and people trying to attack the place that they felt it would be a good idea to start eavesdropping on what people were saying to each other and that includes Miss Jennifer Aniston.

There was a small problem though, the  N.S.A. had,  (National Security Agency is a body designated by former President George W.C. Bush to protect the American people including Miss Jennifer Aniston  from a handful of loons on the other side of the planet who have killed less American people than Americans that die from Obesity related issues per month) They didn't know precisely whom to monitor. So with the help of several projects called PRISM,

Anti-LGBT laws in Russia

LGBT acts banned from Restaurants

Having been force-fed LGBT matters down one's throat over the last 20 years one feels that one should bally-well write something about it.  One is in favour of equality and all that sort of thing but recent events in Russia have caused uproar around the world.

Personally, one thinks that the Russians are taking this matter all the wrong way and that their legislature and President Mr Vladimir Putin have a lot to answer for!

For example, it is now illegal for people under the age of 18 years to see material concerning LGBT issues. Furthermore, it is an offence for anyone under 21 to partake in LGBT acts! The country has gone back to the Stalin era! It's a disgrace

I mean  why youngsters should be prevented from this sort of activity in the school dining room is completely beyond me? Also they are prevented from reading and partaking in this sort of thing in public restaurants too! What kind of a society do they have there? 

Trayvon, Zimmerman, Dooley & James. Legal Clarity in the USA

Guess I must have done it!

One likes clarity in all sorts of things, for example whether to shoot animals or not to shoot animals. To eat Beef Wellington or to not Beef Wellington etc. As far as one is concerned clarity extends to the law of the land too but in this country one finds it all double-dutch. 

However, those forever innovative Johnnies in the United States of America and particularly the Southern State of Floride which is named  after a toothpaste ingredient. The Floridians have sought to make their laws tip-top transparent for everyone to see and understand. 

In particular the recent George Zimmerman case saw the man let off despite shooting a Black American teenage boy called Trayvon Martin, whom was unarmed despite Zimmerman, claiming that the boy was. Zimmerman, a chappie of Hispanic origins, although why that would be with a German name of Zimmerman, claimed self-defence.

Guess the Other Guy Did it

Then the following week another case in which a Black Jamaican chappie called Trevor Dooley, although why he is Jamiacan with an Irish name is also beyond me, also in the state of Floride was found guilty of killing his neighbour a Mr David James in a dispute over a skateboard despite claiming self defence. Hmmmm...

Upon reviewing both these cases it seems to me that the legal system in the State of Floride has been simplified and clarified so no person living there can construe its legal system with the slightest ambiguity:

• If you're white you're innocent
• If you're black you're guilty

One knows one is a bigoted old fart that doesn't give a monkey's arse about anyone but even these two cases take the biscuit! One supposes that it is not called Disneyland for nothing.

Ivory Coast Prison Solutions

Prison Barge

Just been reading about a ghastly little prison riot in the town of Abidjan on the Ivory Coast. The prison houses some of the Ivory Coast's most lethal little shits the country has every produced.

Their notoriety was compounded and exacerbated by the civil war there are few years ago in 2011 in which only two or three British people had to leave their premises for the United Kingdom. Thousands of local people were also killed. 

So the prison is home to many of those accused of war crimes, indeed former President Gbagbo Baggins and his wife were even there at one point before being carted off to the Hague in Holland for crimes against Huge Manatees. Strange, I thought Manatees lived in the New World! So anyway the riots are being conducted by inmates and some of them have been killed.

Well it's just not good enough!! You need to show this complete shower of individuals who is in charge by taking charge! You can't ask em politely to pull themselves together and snap out of it! These people are sick.

So my remedy is quite simple. First thing close the prison down. Then move all the inmates, pronto, to a new facility. This can easily be done sharpish by putting them all on a prison ship there are many of them available, for instance I saw one in a documentary on the telly the other day. It was very large, had lots of space, could even fly and it was called Battlestar Galactica. Once on board, give the prisoners some decent nosh and something to do and that'll soon have em quietening down. 

Then, when the ship is full with this detritus criminal scum you can move on to the next stage. For me this is the most important part but there is the problem of not only how to sink it but also where. Sink it wrongly and you may only capsize the damn thing leaving some of the inmates alive. Then even if you do sink it properly you may sever an oil pipeline or a telegraph cable.

Abu Sakkar: Cannibal and Animal?

Sakkar

Just been reading about a chappie called Abu Sakkar. This man, like so many others is involved in the current ghastly little war in Syria.

This war is one of those civil wars which by their very nature are nasty little blazers that put father against son, neighbour against neighbour, restaurant manager against restaurant manager and generally everybody against everybody else.

Anyway this one in Syria has been ongoing for the last two years or something like that and it is the first full scale civil war that can be watched on youtube, internet and all that sort of thing.

Anyway this Abu Sakkar has proved himself to be a nasty, savage fellow of the lowest possible moral declination because he cut out the heart of one of his foes and then proceeded to eat it! I mean can you imagine that!? It’s a disgrace! What kind of man is that? This is inhuman! I can scarcely contain my abhorrence a moment longer and The Lord alone knows what Miss Jennifer Aniston thinks about this!! She must be horrified!! 

Aniston: Horrified

I mean even when my regiment was involved in the Mau Mau uprising at our lowest ebb we didn’t stoop this low with our captured foes. No Sir by Jimeny we did not!

No what we did was to lightly sauté the heart first in a flavoured butter and serve it in a nice white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic, all washed down with a crisp, clean and if I may say a rather fruity little Jean-Marc Brocard Chablis Vau de Vey 1937.

S.P.W.A: Life and Afterlife

Legacy

As one gets on a bit one has to start thinking about how one is going to leave this earth, what to leave to whom and also one's legacy. 

Whilst a trifle morbid these things are a fact of life and one has to find a way to come to terms with how much of a loss one will be to everyone once one has gone. To pass away peacefully with serenity and tranquility is much desired and is also a way for those close to one to come to terms with the moment of passing. Indeed some set aside some finances to help with a charitable fund of some nature or install a bench in a local park for others to sit and ponder life's meaning.

Well not me! When I die I'm going to take as many people with me as I can. Why should I be the one to die? I've paid my blasted taxes to the blasted Government for my whole blasted life so they can jolly well get their act together and find a blasted cure. I didn't drop bombs on working class people in the East End during the war only to leave this planet with the job undone.

No if I die then the blasted servants will be coming with me for a start! I've had to pay their wages for years! And that strike their on, now is in it's second year, well, they won't have anyone to pay em anything if I snuff it tomorrow!  And then there is that rotter of a son of mine Cuthbert Ware-Armitage. That perishing little shit has been extracting money from me since the day he was born and I'm damn well going to see to it that he doesn't get a penny after I've gone.

In fact I've left instructions that if I die then all my money is to be burned and all my property blown up so nobody can get a hold of it, especially the government! Then all my land is to be napalmed, sprayed with Agent Orange and then dug up and dumped in the sea. Nobody's getting a thing out of me!

And then I've ordered all the people responsible for burning my cash and blowing up my property to be shot. And then to have those people shot too. And then have their houses and streets bombed and erased from the face of the...


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Silvio Berlusconi:

Berlusconi

Just been reading about Silvio Berlusconi, the former Prime Minister of Italy.

This time round he failed to make it as Prime Minister, thus making himself vulnerable to arrest and imprisonment, despite being convicted of numerous crimes.

At present he has twenty pending cases against him all of which carry custodial sentances. 

To date, this is what some of the  things this fellow has been up to;

Gay Marriage?

Husband

Just been reading about the campaign to extend the great institution of marriage!

Just what the hell is going on? This is lunacy! One is scarcely able to contain one's abhorrence! This is the end of the bloody world. Earthquakes, volcanoes, rabies and no more Neapolitan ice cream. What on earth are these people taking for God's sake? Doesn't anybody realise just how dangerous this is? It's a disgrace!

Can you imagine just what it will be like? It'll be an absolute shower! I mean picture the scene; two gay chappies living in the same house together, which one of them is going to make the dinner and do the washing up? Hey? Answer me that! And how are they going to differentiate between each others underpants? Hmm? Not to mention which one of them has to clean the lavatory after the other has shat in it!

And being a man I know perfectly well just what we are like. We are untidy and chaotic. So can you imagine what the living room will look like after a week? Magazines everywhere, uneaten food lying around, toenail clippings on the carpet and all this times two?! And which one of them is going to tidy it all up after the other eh? 

Wife

And that is not even the start, Which one of them is going to wear the wedding dress? And just who is supposed to carry who across the threshold when they get home after the wedding?

One supposes it will be the one not wearing the wedding dress. That would mean it has to be the heavier of the two who dresses up as the man. At least there is something different about the two that gives them something to say at the alter. Instead of 'I now pronounce you man and wife,' Now it will be 'I now pronounce you Man and Fatso.' Now we seem to be making some progress on this issue.

Aung San Suu Kyi: An Obituary

She Was A Girl From Burma-ingham

Just been reading about Aung San Suu Kyi.

She was the world famous and respected politician who campaigned against the military dictatorship in her home of Burmingham, a large industrialised urban conurbation, situated in the West Midlands/Alabama.

Suu Kyi was born at a very young age and was immediately named after her mother's side salad as she was born in a Nepalese restaurant.
She stood for election in 1990 against the military government of Burmingham Alabama/West Midlands and beat them into second place. The bounders then invalidated the election simply because they couldn't pronounce her name.

Suu Kyi was very upset by this and went home for the next 21 years to sulk and also to refuse to come out and say hello, even to the milkman. As part of this sulking, Aung San Suulk Kyi recieved a large international following with dozens of countries giving her totally meaningless accolades and awards. For Example, she received the Sakharov Prize for Freedom of Thought in 1990. Well that's hardly a big deal is it. Even a trifle can think now can't it!

Then in 1991 Ang San Sulk Kyi received the Nobel Peace Prize. Again, sitting at home watching the blasted telly and blowing off all day is hardly going to start a World War now is it? Even I could get a peace prize for that.

Also, in 2007, the Government of Canada made Angst San Sulk Kyi an honorary citizen of that country. See what I mean? What's the point of making someone a citizen of a country when they won't even leave their own house prefering to blow off and watch the blasted telly all day?

Then in 1979 the Sex Pistols wrote a song about her in which they said:

Lydon Sings to Aung

She was a girl from Burma-ingham

She's just had an abortion

She was case of Insanity

Her name was Sulky 

and she lived in a tree

Or something like that. But anyway, she was a great politician who fortunately liked staying at home. I just wish more of that lot would follow her example.


 

Hans Lipschis: Arrest

Hans full of Shitz

Just been reading about some jonny called Hans Lipschis. 


This fellow was one of those tricky-dicky National Socialist jonnies who didn't have anything better to do with their time than to go around causing trouble on mainland Europe during the 1940s.

Boston Terrierist Attack: Conspiracy Theory

Boston Terrierst Attack

Been reading about the Boston Terrier Attack during the Marathon there on Sunday. Ghastly state of affairs don cha know.

Three people lost their lives in the attack and many more were injured, it's dreadful!

Great Auntie Fitzgibbon-Armitage used to have several Boston Terriers and they were quite friendly little bleeders one can tell you. So what possessed a group of them to go on the rampage during the Boston Marathon is beyond me?

Whilst Boston Terriers are clever little bastards one didn't think that they were capable of engineering a bomb! Obviously we have completely underestimated them. 

One did some research late last night after returning home from the pub (three bottles of an excellent Chablis.) From what I understand they have an entire global network organised and run by a certain Terrierist called Jack Russell and his gang called the Yorkshire Terrierists or something like that and it is the American Stafforshire Terrierist branch that is obviously responsible for Sunday's outrage.

International Terrierism is responsible for many an ill of the modern world and it is these Terrierists that have alot to answer for! But you just can't tell a good Terrier from a bad! So you never know if there is a Bad Terrierist in your midst! The answer? Well it's easy, round them all up and put them on an island in the Atlantic Ocean, preferably Labrador.

Lord Rennard is a Sex Pest?

Wants It

Just been reading about Lord Rennard  of the Liberal Democratic Party.

Apparently this rapscallion has the compulsion of asking women in his political party for sexual intercourse. It's a disgrace!


All the women concerned in these allegations have said 'No' to his sexual advances and who can blame them either, I mean look at him! This great fat shit should consider himself lucky to even be able to speak English let alone attract women. What on earth is going on in his head. Doesn't he realise that some women have taste?

USA Gun Laws: The Solution

Thought I'd give me tuppence worth regarding the current state of affairs in the United States of America about the gun laws. This debate crops up every few months or so  just after they have one of their massacres or killing sprees, usually of children, in a school or shopping mall, followed by long periods of inactivity.

The latest two sprees involved twenty-six people being mown down in the Sandy Hook high school in a place called Newtown, Connecticut and then a few days later some crafty jonny opened fire on the fire brigade after he lured them to a blaze which he had started.

After all this the organisation that advocates people carrying guns willy-nilly, the NAZIonal Rifle Association proposed an end to all this sort of thing by recommending more people carrying guns so then can shoot anybody that tries to shoot them first! Well that's all very well but how are small children supposed to carry an AK-47 or a Howitzer! One blast of the trigger from an automatic assault rifle and the child will fly backwards into the nearest wall, probably taking out several of their classmates aswell!  A silly idea but that is what the Nazional Rifle Association thinks will do the trick.

To this end I called their HQ and demanded to speak to one of the people in charge to tell them what a ridiculous idea it was. Of course my point of view was completely over his head and he threatened to shoot me if I ever contacted him again. Should have seen that coming.

So what is the answer to this conundrum? Well after a large glass of port the solution came to me in a flash! In fact it's so easy that one has already started celebrating with a bottle of Chambertin Rousillion de Vin Pays 1956!

It's simple, rather than shooting lots of school children, the executive members of the Nazional Rifle Association could be shot instead. With them being hoisted by their own petards the innate hypocracy of their argument will be revealed. It's the only sort of language that these people understand.