Lance Armstrong: First Cyclist on the Moon

Apparent Evidence of Armstrong's Moon Landing

Writing to give my ha’penny’s worth about that tour-de-France steroid cheat Lance Armstrong and cycling obsessive.

He first came to prominence in the late 1960’s after being the first man to ride a bicycle on the moon.

After that his life took a turn for the worst as nobody believed he had ever even been in an aeroplane let alone outer space.

He proceeded to claim that he rode his bicycle around the world in eighty days and again nobody believed this.

In order to prove his credentials he contacted Freddie Mercury whereupon, according to him, produced a song with Freddie entitled ’I want to ride my bicycle.’ Regrettably nobody believed this either.

He then advised Norman Tebbit’s Dad to go and look for work on his bike in the early 1980’s. While this was good advice Tebbit Snr had been dead for many a year.

Later in that decade Armstrong claims to have been instrumental in teaching Michael Jackson how to walk on the moon. Alas Jackson refuted any claims from Armstrong regarding this matter stating categorically that he was playing with some children at that time.

Lacking somewhat in credibility Armstrong, pining for the days of gravitational shock waves, G-forces and floating weightless on his Raleigh Roadster decided to take control of his life. Yes he embarked on a course of performance enhancing drugs. The highs from these drugs were so extensive that he was over the moon at least three times a week.

He then cycled around France in the great tour six times winning each time. It was this credibility that finally gave him the self-worth he had been hankering for since his alleged moon landing.

Alas the performance enhancing drugs were his undoing as they were forbidden under normal gravitational conditions and his friend ’Buzz’ Aldrin, grassed him up to The Police whom Armstrong claims stole the lyrics to his song entitled ’Walking on the moon.’ This was strongly denied by Sting who’s songs were a load of old codswallop anyway.

Eventually the International Cycling Federation promptly took Armstrong’s titles away from him citing his stupidity as the main reason and his drug use.

Armstrong is currently at home near a small town called Charlton Heston writing his autobiography entitled ’On Yer Bike!’

Family Planning Web Sites

By George there are some peculiar webular sites on the internet don cha know!

Recently one has noticed a proliferation of webular sites regarding family planning. For example, one of the ones I visited last night showed footage of a couple trying to start a family. Indeed many of these family planning webular sites show couples and even sometimes entire groups of couples trying to start families.

Women in Show Business

Famous Enduring Women

You know one has been hearing alot recently about women in show business.

The general idea seems to be that the Hollywood studios take em in when they are young, stick em in a couple of films for cinema and then get rid of em in favour of the next new thing to hit the town. Or if they last a few more years than that they end up playing stereotypical roles once they get beyond the age of twenty-five, usually this is the role of a mother of two cute little bastardly children.

Miss Moneypenny & Women in Business

Glass Ceiling? Never Seen One!!

Just been reading about someone called Miss Moneypenny who wrote a book about women in business.

Apparently, she claims that there is a glass ceiling preventing women from advancing in the business world.

Poppycock! Glass ceiling? Glass ceiling?  What on earth is she blabbering on about? Have you ever seen one? I know I haven't.

This is exactly the sort of reason I never let any women get too high up in my company. 

As you were.

The Higgs-Boson Particle

God's Particles

I've thought it wise to try to explain to the 'Grande Lavee' what the meaning of the Higgs-Boson particle is. Well it's complex but one will attempt to explain through analogy.

First of all one needs a Large Hadron Collider. This is represented by a large empty glass.

Then you add your particles. In this case the atomic particles will be represented by a large pouring of gin. 

Then you accelerate the 'particle' to a speed close to that of the speed of light. This is represented by a generous helping of tonic.

Then to represent Switzerland you add ice but only if there is room left in the glass.

Once this is done you drink the lot in one go. Do this several times to represent the smashed particles. After about three hours of this one will find that the entire universe has lost it's structure and you will be able to see everything in a different way. 

That will be the God particle for you.

Global Warming & Wind Farms

What in Beelzebub’s balls is the world coming to?

Just look at this picture! Look at it. It’s a sign that mankind has finally flipped it’s lid.

It’s a photo of something called a wind farm. Apparently it is going to help stop global warming.

Now I may have an arse for a brain but you’re not going to cool down the planet with huge farms of fans blowing cold air everywhere are you?!

I mean how much electricity do these thing use in order to power them? It’s bloody lunacy!

No if you want to cool down the planet just get everyone to leave their fridge doors open over night. I wish people would ask me about these things you know.

Natural Disaster

Dreadful Heat

It's sweltering here! Can hardly keep my G&T cold long enough to drink the blasted thing.  Have to keep throwing it down my throat ASAP.

Of coursre very hot prolonged summers have resulted in 100's dying through high temperatures and thirst last year in Southern France and it looks as though this will be repeated this year too!

So here is what must be done to avoid a repetition of last year. 

• Equip lorries to carry tons of water to strategic locations.

• Set up a network of hose-pipes that thread their way between all the choice grape vines.
•  
• Reintroduce slavery so each grape-vine can be shaded from the extreme temperatures of the midday sun otherwise even more vines will die.

• Divert water from small towns and cities into choice wine producing regions.

If it wasn't for that fascio-trotskyite bureaucratic regime in the EU all this would have been dealt with last year!

Transgender?!!

Peculiar Voice

My God what is the world coming to!? It transpires that there is a pervert in my condominium?! 

I thought there was something wrong with her the moment I met her at a function the other evening whilst I was attempting to get her up to my room.

Her voice was a bit strange, she was a little tall and she had B.O. Turns out she was a HE!

My God man what is going on?! He started boasting about his gender reassignment. The only reassignment I could think of was concerning his face!!

Reassignment indeed! In my day there was only one to do with his kind! Cut off his wedding tackle! That's the only language his/her/their sort understand!

Capitalist Woman!

One can scarcely contain one's anger for much longer! Modern society has completely objectified women to an extent never before seen in the history of mankind. Just look at this photograph.

By forcing women to be thin Captialism has subjugated them to a second class existence no different to what it was 100 years ago. 

One Must Protest!



Trenton Oldfield - Get Him Out!!

One is writing to express one's abhorrence regarding the disruption to the Oxford v Cambridge Boat race on Saturday! It was a disgrace!

Egads just what the blazes was going through that man's mind! He clearly has no idea how to protest properly. Where was the dignity and respect for other people's enjoyment on this day?



Erika Roe - Get Them Out!!

What he should have done was to get his ex-wife to take her top off. That would have been alot more fun and a damn sight better than watching a load of tedious, wet, undergraduates shuffling sticks in a boat!


End of the World?!

Worse Things Have Happened

Apparently the world is going to end this year. Well let me tell you something it’s definitely not going to end this year.

How do I know? Because it ended in 1979 when the last bottle of Domaine Armand Rousseau Pere et Fils Chambertin 1936 was polished off by some ghastly bankers too stupid to know the difference between it and a wretched Claude Dugat Griottes-Chambertin 1879.

Once I'd heard that that last bottle had been drunk I was forced to instantaneously assult all the staff in order to forget!

And since that time I've never been near a blasted bank either. Animals!!

Iran's Nuclear Matter

Just been reading about these Iranian jonnies trying to get a hold of a nuclear bomb. I thought that man in charge was completely doolally! What's the point of letting people like that get hold of a nuclear bomb? I mean the first thing that sort do with nuclear bombs is bomb people.

I say he should be dealt with and pronto. And what is the best way to do that? I'll tell you the best way; round him up, put him in a field and nuke the bastard stinker!! That's the only language that sort understand!

Benefits of Stress

An example of an Incapacity Benefit Claimant

Just read about the number of people claiming government incapacity benefit. It's a disgrace! What's the matter with these people? Anyone would think that there is something wrong with them!

Incapacity Benefits should be scrapped. Instead these people should be given a cash incentive of £1,000,000 to get off their fat backsides and earn and honest living. That will show the stinkers.

And God Created Chaos

Read in this morning's paper that Creationists are peddling their theories as science. Tosh!! Don't they have dictionaries? That'll tell the blighters the difference between science and religion. But I suppose that means they will have to pick up a book. What a shower!

Why can't they leave science alone and concentrate on something else? They only cause disruption in circles that do not have anything in common with their theological discourse. These stinkers are a menace!