How to Save Water and Paper

Life is a game. When one finds the time for deep introspection, one finds that one simply doesn't have enough happiness to buy enough money.

I mean why should I cough up on things like say, for example, lavatory water, which falls from the sky for free, but then the blasted water companies have the gall to charge ME for it! I mean what the blazes is that all about?

And I don't see why I should have to pay for other related things like lavatory paper either?! I mean what is the point of paying for paper that one uses to wipe one's backside upon. I mean paper is for writing on don cha know. What kind of person is it that voluntarily pays for arse-wiping material? They must be sick!

So this is why this morning I was especially peeved to find that my local pub was closed. Didn't want a drinky you understand but since 1978 one has been using the toilets there every day to help cut down on the water bill at home. 

They didn't even have the decency to warn me about it the night before, when I had popped in to have shit one the way home from the local Indian Restaurant. 

Doesn't anyone care about anyone anymore nowadays. All people can do is think about nothing other than themselves. It's a disgrace!

In the end one had no other option and was forced to relieve one's self in one of those foul portable latrines provided by British Telecom. What a ghastly start to the day!

9/11 Conspiracy Theory

This is the real reason why the Twin Towers Fell:

Two Godzilla shaped Conspiracy Theorists thought their

Conspiracy was better than the bla bla bla....

Got this air-tight, tip-top conspiracy theory as to what actually happen on 9/11 in those dreadful events in New York, Washington D.C. and a field in Pennsylvania back in 2001.

It's a very controversial theory but the evidence backs up everything I say so prepare yourself.

Some codger called Bin Laden, who was in possession of large amounts of anger management issues, told a few of his cohorts to fly aeroplanes into the Twin Towers, the Pentagon and a field in Pennsylvania.

The cohorts promptly jumped on a few aeroplanes, wrestled control of the things from the pilots and then flew them into the Twin Towers, the Hexagon and a field in Pennsylvania.

Religious Conversion

Had some noveau-religious people knocking on my door the other day. I thought they had come to read the gas metre at first as they were very well dressed. This was my first mistake! 

The second mistake was to not question their opening statement which went 'Do you want to be happy?' Stupidly I thought that these men from the gas board were there to give me free gas for a month, no! Instead they gave me free gas for about twenty minutes as they blabbered on about how their God had made them happy.

Well they weren't making me very happy I can tell you. They promised me that conversion to their religion would mean enlightenment. Enlightenment?! What the blazes is that supposed to mean? 

They went on to describe that Enlightenment would mean that while everybody else’s life would be dark mine would shine in amongst theirs like a deep golden shaft of light.

And if you ask me that exactly where I should have thrown these people; down a deep shaft, preferably one leading to a coal mine.

Pepsi Challenge

Cola Challenge

Was skulking along the blasted high street in Chipping Norton this afternoon when I was accosted by a tall attractive woman asking me if I wanted to take the Pepsi Challenge.

Always up for a chance to win some money I took her up on the offer.

She presented me with two cans of chemically coloured sugary water (can't beat a bottle of the old Chablis you know) and told me to chose which one suited my taste.

Homeless Children

That's The Spirit. These Kids Are Halfway There Already

Was intercepted in the street this morning by an attractive young womean (sic) asking me if I wanted to help with homeless children.

'Certainly Not!' I retorted. 'There's quite enough of the little perishers about as it is without me contributing more.'

One had had enough of children sponging off of me years ago with that bleeder of a son of mine Cuthbert. He did nothing but scrounge off me for the first six years of his life before I packed the little shit off to Eton.